Here I am, closer to the end of my recovery from severe depression than I have been before and I feel horrible. It started over a week ago when I experienced more irritability than I do normally. I didn’t think about it much but it continued and has now grown to random bouts of severe anxiety, trembling and terrible fatigue. Working with my doctor, she believes I may be toxic on my meds. Since I am doing so much better, the dose of my meds may need to be adjusted as a result. I went for a blood test to see what the levels of my meds are but need to wait at least another week for the results. For now, it’s a guessing game. We are decreasing one of the meds slowly and then will look at the others.
While I know this is actually a very positive thing, I am stuck in the rut of not feeling well, physically and now suffering the emotional piece. I feel sad, not terribly sad, but enough to worry me. I have to exert all of my energy on convincing myself that this will pass and that this is not a recurrence of the depression. It is difficult to do this though when the feelings are so similar. The bonus is that I am now wired differently and can grab onto my strengths, even if it feels as if I am holding on for dear life.
The trauma of my illness haunts me and I spend my waking moments fighting this and doing everything possible to keep busy. Luckily I have a lot of work to finish up by the end of the month, so that is helpful. I have trouble being still (this is called akathisia: from the meds), so in a way, it is good for me to walk more than I usually do. I hold on to my loves and this helps me tremendously.
Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help but this is definitely a time when I need some help, more support than anything else. I just need to know that people are on my side and cheering for me. When I used to hear the Rachel Platten song, Fight Song, it would empower me in a meaningful way as I would belt out the lyrics while driving. Now, I feel heavy and burdened and I am left wanting to feel that strength again. That strength felt so good.
I know I will. I have to be patient. I have to keep fighting.
Risa's Reality 