Month: October 2017
It was two years ago when I planned to go to my synagogue’s women’s retreat and I had to cancel due to treatments for my depression. I was devastated. I was so excited that my time had come to attend this women’s weekend away.
In one word, I can sum up the experience I had this past weekend: miracles. There were so many miracles it is difficult for me to begin. I met a group of women, most of whom I did not know. I was given the gift of connecting and getting to know new people in my life. There were 14 of us, including my amazing close friend, our Rabbi and leader.
1. The first miracle was meeting a woman who I carpooled with, whom I had heard of but never met. I instantly felt a warmth about her that was so inviting and we had non-stop conversations the entire ride.
2. The next miracle was meeting these women, doing fun icebreakers that you do when you begin a retreat. I learned names and was proud of myself for remembering them so easily (I do have lingering memory problems from ECT-electroconvulsive therapy).
3. The following miracle was meal times. While the food was excellent and we all enjoyed it, it was a time to chat, laugh and continue to get to know one another. Each of us never sat in the same place which helped to foster our relationships. I enjoyed that time immensely.
4. The praying that we did together, as one community, was not only filled with warmth and feeling, it was personal. I felt more connected to myself than I ever have in my life. I am not exaggerating at all. I sang as part of this amazing community of women and prayed with them and felt both completely connected to them while at the same time, connected to myself. It was a true miracle to experience this.
5. I believe there is a blessing in sharing oneself with another human being but I also believe there is a blessing and an emotional wonder that occurs when women share themselves with each other. The strength of 14 women sitting in a room together, whether eating, praying, singing, laughing, hugging, etc. is a miracle, not only in its occurrence but in the actual experience of it.
6. Shabbat afternoon we had free time with a few options of activities, if interested. There was a quiet hike option and a talking hike option. While I thought the quiet hike option would be nice, I felt it was not what I needed. I had been so talkative already during the retreat and I did not want to hold back! The group of us walked, talked, shared and laughed and it was wondrous. The perfect weather along with the beautiful foliage added a natural element that was not lost on us. More connections were made between us and amongst us and it was indeed another miracle.
7. By Havdalah on Saturday night, our group was quite solidified. Arm in arm, we did Havdalah in the darkness, led by the light of the candle and I was tearful. These women became my weekend family and it happened so quickly. I thought how beautiful the moment was but also how incredible it was and how powerful women are in terms of connecting to one another. I felt blessed, again, and acknowledged this miracle in its moment.
8. The miracle of fire came on Saturday night when we had our bonfire (and smores, of course!). We sang songs, mesmerized by the flames of the fire and it was fun and a wonderful way to share our last night together.
9. Sunday consisted of praying, using spirituality, as we had been, as an individual and as part of a community. It also consisted of reviewing and wrapping up this gift of a retreat. We shared more, questioned one another, exchanged thoughts, laughed and cried. It was a miracle to feel complete as we marked the end of the weekend, not just as a group but as individuals. I could feel it and I am sure the others could as well.
10. As I hugged each woman goodbye, I smiled and felt connected, held and excited to see them again as we had already begun planning future women’s groups for study and comradery at our synagogue. I thought of how it is usually sad to say goodbye after experiencing something meaningful, but I felt at peace, quiet and whole. I felt ready to return to my husband and daughter and the chaos that is life. That was just another miracle—the ability to be able to move on because of the experience I had. I was given strength and could use that strength to move forward.
11. The miracle that was ongoing from the moment I arrived at the retreat center was my presence. I do not mean that my body was physically there for the weekend, rather the fact that I was present, as in my mind was centered and able to accept and experience each aspect of the weekend. I was focused, thinking clearly and emotionally open to anything. Prior to this weekend, I do not believe I have ever experienced this in my life.
My physical body endured too much these past few years of intense illness: ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), medication trials and ketamine infusions. My body continues to cope with memory issues and word gathering difficulties due to the ECT. The fatigue, nausea and other physical side effects and consequences of these treatments emptied my body and not in a positive way. This weekend fed me and filled me. My slightly broken body was given something that has been missing for some time. My stomach, heart, legs, neck and head were given breath, love, peace and ease and my body has not had any of these internally for years. One weekend made this happen. My body was healed in a way I did not even know was possible.
The significance of all that I gained over this weekend is not lost on me. This will be the lingering (and I hope everlasting) miracle of this significant weekend. The remarkable women I connected with, my dear friend who led us safely and steadily — and me – these are the miracles that I hold as I reflect in this moment. May each of these weekend retreat miracles stay with me, in my heart and in my soul.
Quick and Meaningful Update
I look in the mirror and see me – yet at the same time, I am not sure who I see. There is strength that I still don’t comprehend – it stares back at me, waving at me, doing anything it takes for me to acknowledge it.
A woman looks back at me, slightly worn from enduring severe pain, yet she appears fierce and courageous.
A woman looks at me with tears falling from her eyes – completely aware of every step that was taken to get here.
A woman looks at me with such power and control I turn away for a moment unsure of what to do. When I look back, her face is closer to mine, powerful and genuine.
I look in the mirror and I see me – a woman with strength, who is fierce, courageous, powerful and genuine.
I am on both sides of the mirror, reflecting from one side to the other – so close – maybe one day soon we will be one.
*I have come so far but I am not there yet. I am very happy to be where I am now in my recovery. It is a miracle and a blessing. Intellectually I know I am all of the above adjectives…I need more time to feel it and believe it. I never would have characterized myself with these adjectives so to know it on any level is a huge step forward. I am proud of myself.*