Enjoying the Pieces

It’s a toll house cookie kind of day.
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. The anxiety has, at times, felt unbearable. My mindfulness practice has been no match for it and I go for the anti-anxiety med rather quickly. The side effects from the med adjustments have been horrible and I have had nightmares that would terrify even the strongest person. I am tired, nauseous at times and have felt a bit disconnected.

My therapist told me I will get back to how I felt a few weeks ago and she has assured me of this. It is this that I hold on to. I must feel that again. I worked too damn hard.
So far today, I feel pretty good. After seeing my med guy yesterday and forming a plan, I felt relief. After sobbing on the ride home (crying and driving is akin to driving and texting and I should not have done this!) for reasons still unknown to me, the anxiety built in the evening but today, I am okay. I am happy to have a plan to follow for my meds and I am more focused on feeling well again.

I am well aware that the date is approaching of the year anniversary of my hospitalization and this may be a piece of what is going on with me currently. It’s a big trigger and the memories have been flooding me at times. Again, it’s the trauma of being so severely ill that can be haunting. I think I need to get through these next weeks using mindfulness, when I am able, and using my voice in order to garner support. For now, it’s just one day at a time and I am going to enjoy the pieces I can. 
The treat I will look forward to for later today will be those toll house cookies.

Asking for Help

Here I am, closer to the end of my recovery from severe depression than I have been before and I feel horrible. It started over a week ago when I experienced more irritability than I do normally. I didn’t think about it much but it continued and has now grown to random bouts of severe anxiety, trembling and terrible fatigue. Working with my doctor, she believes I may be toxic on my meds. Since I am doing so much better, the dose of my meds may need to be adjusted as a result. I went for a blood test to see what the levels of my meds are but need to wait at least another week for the results. For now, it’s a guessing game. We are decreasing one of the meds slowly and then will look at the others. 
While I know this is actually a very positive thing, I am stuck in the rut of not feeling well, physically and now suffering the emotional piece. I feel sad, not terribly sad, but enough to worry me. I have to exert all of my energy on convincing myself that this will pass and that this is not a recurrence of the depression. It is difficult to do this though when the feelings are so similar. The bonus is that I am now wired differently and can grab onto my strengths, even if it feels as if I am holding on for dear life.
The trauma of my illness haunts me and I spend my waking moments fighting this and doing everything possible to keep busy. Luckily I have a lot of work to finish up by the end of the month, so that is helpful. I have trouble being still (this is called akathisia: from the meds), so in a way, it is good for me to walk more than I usually do. I hold on to my loves and this helps me tremendously.
Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help but this is definitely a time when I need some help, more support than anything else. I just need to know that people are on my side and cheering for me. When I used to hear the Rachel Platten song, Fight Song, it would empower me in a meaningful way as I would belt out the lyrics while driving. Now, I feel heavy and burdened and I am left wanting to feel that strength again. That strength felt so good.

I know I will. I have to be patient. I have to keep fighting.

What Does a Patient Look Like?