Poor Form

To my great surprise and horror, I received a call this afternoon from my nurse at my fertility clinic asking me why I did not come for my pregnancy test this morning.


I said, “don’t you remember that my embryo did not survive the thaw?”

Oops…to her credit she was very apologetic, but that was simply poor form. My clinic was amazing and is one of the best in the country and people make mistakes…but this was a biggie!
I broke down a bit but was able to get through (my co-workers make me laugh!). Bad timing, I guess. While I am still tired and my body is a bit weird as it reacts to the hormones (or major decrease of hormones), I am certainly not as emotional as I was last week and am beginning to piece together this new reality. Again, bad timing.

Poor form.



I am doing okay…it hits me at different parts of the day. My daughter helps a lot.  She will be the reason I will get through this.
For now I will allow myself to grieve.


The End of a Chapter

I made it to my parents house this morning in MA ready for this embryo transfer with all I have. A little while later I got a call…I thought it was the “the embryo thawed great and you are set for later today!” but it was not. It was “I’m so sorry but your embryo did not survive the thaw.”

I was speechless…I did not know what to say or do.
The nurse said my team would call me later today to discuss options. 
Then the tears came…I called my husband and his tears came. He said, “you are stuck with me and “I” (our daughter)!” I know how lucky I am but the pure sting is there.
I simply can’t go through more fertility treatments: financially, emotionally and physically. I am 39 years old and would be worried about medical problems for the baby. We would have to start over with IVF and both my husband and I know we need to move on with our lives for our sake and for our daughter’s. 
I felt a bit lost for a few minutes but then I rallied. My best friend to the rescue! She will hang with me for a bit this afternoon and cheer me up before I drive back home to CT. 
I am still in shock right now. I know with the coming weeks that getting off of all of the hormones will help my mind heal. I always wanted two kids…it was so important to have siblings. Now I need to create a new reality for my daughter. My job now is to give my daughter the best life possible.