Enjoying the Pieces

It’s a toll house cookie kind of day.
The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. The anxiety has, at times, felt unbearable. My mindfulness practice has been no match for it and I go for the anti-anxiety med rather quickly. The side effects from the med adjustments have been horrible and I have had nightmares that would terrify even the strongest person. I am tired, nauseous at times and have felt a bit disconnected.

My therapist told me I will get back to how I felt a few weeks ago and she has assured me of this. It is this that I hold on to. I must feel that again. I worked too damn hard.
So far today, I feel pretty good. After seeing my med guy yesterday and forming a plan, I felt relief. After sobbing on the ride home (crying and driving is akin to driving and texting and I should not have done this!) for reasons still unknown to me, the anxiety built in the evening but today, I am okay. I am happy to have a plan to follow for my meds and I am more focused on feeling well again.

I am well aware that the date is approaching of the year anniversary of my hospitalization and this may be a piece of what is going on with me currently. It’s a big trigger and the memories have been flooding me at times. Again, it’s the trauma of being so severely ill that can be haunting. I think I need to get through these next weeks using mindfulness, when I am able, and using my voice in order to garner support. For now, it’s just one day at a time and I am going to enjoy the pieces I can. 
The treat I will look forward to for later today will be those toll house cookies.

I am Present

I hear the birds. I smell spring. I see flowers growing, blooming. I feel the wind rush through my hair. I am here. I am present. In this moment I am sweating after a long walk. On this walk, I cleared my mind and focused on the music in my ears. When lost in thought, I returned to the moment and focused again on the music.

I think of the day, the week, the past month. Change. Change is good. Change is difficult. Change is scary. I’ve passed the dividing line and now my life is real. I will hold on and brace myself while also taking deep breaths and feel the calm. The calm is new. The calm is good. The calm is scary.

I will practice this daily. I will focus. I will become acquainted with myself. I will start anew. I will learn…one moment at a time.

I am here. I am present. I am aware. I am in my life.