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Major Depressive Episode

I have severe depression…again. It crept back in slowly and then it struck me down so fiercely and so abruptly, I can barely catch my breath. More medication trials that do not seem to be working and now I am scheduled for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) this Monday morning. I tried to get better without it, but nothing is working and my therapist told me “this is no way to live.” I have to believe her as I trust her implicitly. You see, my thought process is not very clear so I am stuck in my own misery and believe I deserve this. There is a very small piece of me that wonders if this is true and this is what I have to hold on to.

Depression is something I find difficult to define for myself. It is a pain I can’t thoroughly describe as it feels as if my internal self is being stabbed and maimed over and over again. It is a sadness that overtakes me at any moment. It is a pain that brings endless tears. It’s a feeling of utter loneliness even when I am sitting next to my husband, my love. This loneliness is carried throughout every waking moment. It’s a feeling that no one cares and no one should and at the same time all I want is to be with those I love: my family, my friends. I want my therapist to continue to offer reality testing even when I am having trouble believing her when she tells me that I do not deserve to suffer and she does care about me.

This is a pain I was hoping never to experience again after last year. This hurt and throbbing actually feels worse than last year, if that is even possible.

So, please do not retreat, even when I do. Check in. And please, send your prayers for healing. Even though I have done ECT before, I am truthfully terrified for Monday and would appreciate your support. Please, just be there for me and my family. Thank you and love to you all.

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Here Comes the Rain Again

Here comes the rain again
Raining in my head like a tragedy
Tearing me apart like a new emotion

Annie Lennox is narrating my life right now. Indeed it is raining again and it is a tragedy. It’s back and it’s taking me prisoner. It came on slowly and calmly in the late spring but the past few weeks have solidified it and named it for what it is: severe major depressive episode.
Biology is an interesting thing and I am learning much about my own. Each hour I can feel the anxiety, fear, sadness, guilt and solitude and these feelings are strong and they are real. I am sick…again. Different from last summer, but just as incapacitating. Let’s try this med and decrease the other, oh wait, now you are having akathisia (restlessness and agitation) so we need to stop the other new med. I feel like I have danced this dance many times and it feels just as frustrating and scary as it always has.
I am lucky to have invested treatment providers and, of course, my family and friends. I kept quiet for a while because I did not want to make it real and I did not want to disappoint anyone that I could not maintain myself.
My mind is full of negatives and fatigue. How to help someone like me in this situation? Please do not ignore it. You can ask how I am feeling. You can ask if you can do anything to help. You can simply be with me, offer a hug (I may or may not accept, so please do not take it personally!). I need that cheering section to offer its voice, yet again. I need prayers for health and I need your positive wishes.
I hope to have a better plan tomorrow. Weekends are difficult especially during this transition in terms of changing my meds. I can make it through today with the promise of tomorrow. Good thing there is  no rain in the forecast for tomorrow.