Author: Risa's Reality

I’m 45 and I’m Alive

Today I turn 45. June 4, 1974. I have always loved my birthday and always share my age. I never understand why people lie as if saying a lower number changes who you are and who you’ve become.
Five years ago I was extremely ill and, unfortunately, that continued. But now, even though my life is completely different than I ever thought it would be, I look around and see the same faces and that makes me smile. Ken and Iliana, my everything and my family.
My friends: from noticing when I need my roots done (EM), to talking and laughing about the oys and joys of life (IG), to meeting for a “fix” and talking and laughing (AK). To talk on the phone with my brother, Rob, and go over all of our ailments only to realize we sound like our parents, to talking with my brother, Jeff, who tries to tease me as if we’re still kids while his lovely wife, Jenn, yells at him to leave me alone and thankfully takes over the conversation.
To be able to live in a community and be part of a synagogue and school that is an extension of home has been a saving grace. I feel as if my family tree is bursting, with blood relations and my friends who simply are my family.
I’ve been through a lot in 45 years and that will continue. That’s life.
I’m grateful and proud to be 45 and alive.

Tags community, family, friends

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My 9 Year Old Daughter is Going to Overnight Camp!

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date April 3, 2019
2 Comments on My 9 Year Old Daughter is Going to Overnight Camp!

My 9 year old daughter will be going to overnight camp for the first time for 2 weeks this summer and I am not freaking out. In fact, I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see her face when we get there. I can’t wait to see her begin to make friends as we unpack. I can’t wait to meet other parents. I can’t wait to kiss her constantly when we say goodbye and her yelling at me to stop as she pushes me away, ready to run off to her counselors and new friends.

She has an opportunity that I have been waiting to give her since she was born (actually before that!). She is attending my camp, my family’s camp. She is part of the 3rd generation of our family who has attended Camp Yavneh in NH. This is the place I was able to come into my own, where I gained a second family and where I was able to spread my wings. From the beginning, at the age of 8, I was enthralled with camp…so many activities, so many new friends. I attended camp for 12 years, from camper to counselor. My brothers and I were more than lucky. Our parents could simply not afford to pay for 3 kids and as teachers at camp (Judaica classes are held there), they were able to work at camp in order to provide us with that experience. My father worked there for 9 years and my mother for 8 years (she opened her own business in a career change and would come up to camp on weekends).

My husband and I are able to send our daughter based on a grant and me conducting mental health trainings for the counselors. I have always had 2 non-negotiables in my head since I was young: sending my child(ren) to a Jewish Day School and Camp Yavneh. I didn’t care if I was on welfare, I would simply make it happen. We are not at all wealthy people and were financially struck down when I became extremely ill with severe depression 5 years ago. We are lucky for financial aid and amazing support.

My daughter cannot wait to go to camp. She has been asking throughout the year, “what else should I practice, in terms of responsibility before I go to camp?” I love that question and it has helped instill more independence in her. She was born to go to camp: loves the activities and has such camp spirit, which she has demonstrated at each of the day camps she has attended.

I have told my husband that when we pick her up after those 2 weeks, we will be taking home a slightly different kid, more responsible and independent and more confident. I am sure of this. Two weeks may not sound like a long time, but one basically lives in a cocoon when at overnight camp. You live in a different world, cut off from electronics and the bustle of everyday life. It is a break that is like none other. She deserves that.

Of course, the other piece of this is that my husband and I have 2 weeks to ourselves as we only have one child. We talk about how strange and quiet it will be in our house but how excited we are to have so much time to ourselves. While he works full-time and I work part-time, we hope to take a couple of days for ourselves and will still be able to enjoy our evenings and weekends alone. Don’t get me wrong, we will miss her with all of our heart and soul, but we have never had this amount of time together, alone, in over 9 years and I want us to cherish it.

So, I am not freaking out and I cannot wait for her to give daddy and mommy the “running hug” when we pick her up, talking non-stop and too fast, telling us how she had the best time ever. I can’t wait to plan play dates during the year, schlepping her to where her new friends live, doing exactly what my parents did. These 2 weeks will change our lives in so many ways and I cannot wait to experience it all, not only through my eyes and my husband’s, but, most importantly, through her eyes.

Tags Camp Yavneh, independence, overnight camp

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The Best I Can Do

Coming to terms with all of the changes in my life after a roller coaster of the past 5 years is in constant motion. Just when I think I can accept that I can only handle working part-time in retail as opposed to running a program full-time as a social worker, I get hit with such sadness and loss. I have to grieve, yet again. I don’t think people understand how mental illness can drastically alter a person’s professional, medical, personal and financial life. I’ve written about it before and I will probably continue to write about it. So many see me out in public, at the mall where I work or in the supermarket and I smile and make small talk and they tell me over and over again how glad they are that I am doing so well. Even when this is true, I am always confused as I haven’t disclosed this to them. Just because someone presents as “put together,” it certainly is no indication he/she is doing so well. Think of running into a friend who has completed chemotherapy for her breast cancer and has color in her cheeks and a wide smile: think of telling her how glad you are that she is doing so well. It’s an assumption, unless your friend has told you otherwise. I find too many people make assumptions about me. Now, they will not know all of the details of my struggles even though I am rather open about them. Currently, I am doing better and at the same time I am working so very hard in therapy, working on such painful issues three sessions, sometimes four sessions per week. Working through these intense issues brings me two steps forward and sometimes one step back. The process is not a straight line forward, unfortunately. I often leave sessions closed up, in deep thought, sometimes sobbing. It is a process, painful, difficult, fulfilling and based on incredible trust in my therapist. If you notice my weight gain when you see me, which you may be glad to see, (it has put me in a healthier place), I may be ruminating about the session I just came from, feeling overwhelmed simply being at the supermarket, thoughts of folding laundry and making dinner completely distracting me. I am a bundle of nerves and stress but you wouldn’t know. Why would I disclose this to you? Why would I unburden myself? The answer is two-fold: sometimes I should unburden, especially when it is a close friend, but other times, when it is an acquaintance, I would never release it.

I am not severely depressed right now but there is always a level of depression that I live with. I live my life day to day, sometimes hour by hour. I don’t make many plans ahead of time, feeling completely overwhelmed by the pressure of it. Evening meetings or events are almost impossible for me to attend as that is not the best time of day for me. Not everyone understands this. I have to look out for my own health and well-being and consistency and routine makes my life more easily livable. Of course, there are alterations that can’t be changed and when they occur, I do my best to get through. That usually involves extra support from my husband and friends, a lot of deep breaths and my anti-anxiety medication. Even when I am not severely depressed, there are still behaviors that I can’t always leave behind. I do my best and as my therapist keeps telling me, “you have always done your best, 20 years ago and today. That is all you can do.” For me, my best sometimes involves tolerating incredibly intense feelings, constant questioning of my thoughts and feelings and doing the best I can, in terms of self-harm behaviors.

I am in a good place, a much better place and it is something to be noted and noticed after everything I have been through over the past 5 years. Just remember this caveat: feeling better is not a cure for depression, anxiety, OCD or PTSD. There is NO cure (yet). I live with many of the symptoms every single day. Each day can be different as can each hour.

I fight every single day. My family fights every single day. My husband and daughter are with me, willing to live our family life in a way where modifications are always being made to support me and my needs. Our existence is not what it was 5 years ago and for my husband and myself, this is not what we ever wished our life would be, but we have, for the most part, found our groove and even if that leaves out others at times or lets people down, it is the best we can do. What more could be asked of us?

Tags anxiety, Depression, OCD, PTSD, self harm, therapy

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