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Reality: EVERYDAYISMAY

It is May 1st. To repeat, it is May 1st. Today begins a special month that highlights the struggle, stigma, information, stories and so much more regarding mental illness. It is a month full of education, personal journeys, pain and healing. It is one month. It lasts 31 days. It lasts for 744 hours. It is a special month and provides meaning not only for those who suffer from mental illness but for the family members and friends, co-workers and basically, society. It highlights the victories in science in creating new treatment models and it offers a space for personal stories of struggle, pain and health. It isan important month and I deeply believe in it.

I want to go deeper though. Those 31 days are just that, 31 days. In my life, 31 days can feel like a never-ending eternity or it can pass so quickly, I am in shock when the new month begins. When I was ill, my pain was never-ending just as was the time.

My struggle during Mental Health Awareness Month is that while I strongly believe in the extra social media posts, educational opportunities, web series and individual openness of one’s experience, I also struggle with the fact that this also occurs outside of May. One difference may be that people are more aware that there will be more buzz about mental illness during May, but the truth is, the buzz is everywhere all the time now. I think this is such an important and valid point to make. The current push for pediatricians to follow guidelines to screen kids for depression is an everyday affair at doctor’s offices, the woman who attends therapy twice per week to work on her anxiety and the man receiving ketamine infusions to alleviate his severe depression are all dealing with issues that abound not only daily but sometimes in an hour to hour basis.

One’s mental health is a constant. Anyone who has a mental illness deals with a minute by minute existence that does not revolve around a calendar. Mental illness does not begin or end just because it is May 1stand Mental Health Awareness Month has begun; it only continues.

My intention here is to highlight an important 744 hours during the year where there are many resources that are utilized to provide a voice to those with mental illness who may not have the ability to use their own. It is a month full of fundraisers for important organizations to continue their work to de-stigmatize mental illness and lobby political players to increase parity and availability of services. My family and I will participate in my local NAMI walk in a couple of weeks and we are proud to do so.

While I will blog, post pictures and quotes on social media during these 31 days, there is no substantial change to what I post in any given month. This is the point. I wish we did not need a special month to highlight the realities, struggles, political policies, treatment options, etc. when we should be doing this every month of the year.

My everyday life is all about my mental health. I start my days taking medications for my depression and anxiety. I have thoughts in response to these illnesses throughout my day. I may need to take Ativan if my anxiety reaches its peak which could be in reaction to almost anything happening. I see my therapist three days per week where I continuously deal with and work on me. I may put myself down for not making a connection to a customer at work and spin this in my head for hours. I may need to take an Ativan in the evening when my irritability soars. I may need to take deep breaths to calm my anxiety. I end each day taking my evening medications. This is every single day of my life. It is not merely in a bubble of time in the month of May. It is my always.

So, yes, let’s promote this very important month and do everything we need to do to affect others’ disinterest, misunderstandings and/or fears of mental illness, but, at the same time, let’s also ensure that people recognize that this is not merely a 31 day or 744-hour mission. This is life. This is certainly my life. This is not only about May for many of us; this is about our everyday existence. #EVERYDAYISMAY

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7th Inning Stretch

Here we are. It has been seven months since I began my recovery from my fourth back to back severe and treatment resistant depression. It is the longest span of time of relative health I have had in 4 ½ years. I never intended to count the time like this but it is so significant after what I have been through these past years. When you have been to hell and back and tried medication after medication, endured 4 psychiatric hospitalizations, intensive medical treatments which included ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and ketamine infusions, you do need to take a step back and recognize where you were and how far you have come. Time is important in this process. Seven months is significant. I have learned quite a bit in these past seven months and it doesn’t include thinking that all is better.

The process of recovery from major depression differs from person to person. During my briefer periods of recovery in between these past episodes, I was thankful and always felt that each one was the last. I felt too well to imagine anything obstructing that feeling. With this last episode, which was long, painful and haunting, I was cautiously optimistic. I tried a new medication from a class of drugs that I had never tried before. I had to stop my previous anti-depressant and wait two weeks before starting this new medication and began this process while hospitalized in July.

Once I began to feel better, think more clearly and feel more connected to people, I was hopeful but, again, cautious. With each month I have been able to really be “with” people, work and enjoy my life. At the same time, I do have struggles. If I do not sleep well for a couple of nights I become irritable and it can play out in a way that is certainly not fair to my husband and daughter. If I do not eat regularly I will not only get headaches but I will start to feel sad. I still have memory issues as a side effect of the ECT and sometimes I can laugh it off and others it is extremely frustrating and makes me feel angry. I am slightly traumatized by the experiences I had with ECT, TMS and the ketamine infusions. The ECT and TMS certainly helped and unfortunately the ketamine didn’t but the act of going through it all still frightens me when I think of it. It was terrifying and it was upsetting to be with and see so many other people struggling urgently with mental illness as these treatments are seen as the “last ditch” effort to ease someone’s symptoms and pain.

I have bad days as everyone else does and I have days that are “bad” but in a different way where my symptoms make themselves known. There is no cure for depression or anxiety. It is always there inside of me. I am working hard in therapy with a new therapist and this process brings up a lot of topics I have worked on in the past. It aggravates my anxiety and provokes in me anger, sadness and a bit of humility. It is hard. It is difficult. It is humbling. The positive of this experience has reminded me that I can feel better, even much better than when I was in a severe depression but there is always work to be done on myself. I’m not out of the woods and I have realized in the past seven months that I never will be. It is simply who I am and I am learning to accept it. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I own that. They will always be there in some form. I am not cured and I pray I do not have to endure another severe episode but I am doing everything in my power to care for myself. These past 7 months have provided me not only with better mental health but with more knowledge and understanding about myself. I will take this opportunity to stand up, raise my arms above my head and take that stretch.  Time is meaningful.

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What Does it Mean to Be an Aunt to Young Adults?

My niece and nephew are my heroes and I do not think they have any clue about this. I was 23 when my niece was born and I fell instantly in love. The feelings were mutual and I couldn’t be happier when she called me “Resee.” Two and a half years later my nephew was born and he was full of mischief and love. I enjoyed visiting them when they were young and remember one visit where I became a yo-yo as they fought over playing with me. My sister-in-law actually had to time my playing with each one in order to ward off sibling war. It was hysterical. I felt such a connection to each one and watching them grow up has been not just a joy but an honor.

Each has his/her own personality, hopes and dreams but each is truly a wonderful human being. They both are loving, caring, enjoy spending time with family and friends and giving back to their community. I am full of awe as I watch them become adults. My niece is now almost 20 years old and a sophomore in college while my nephew is 17 years old and a senior in high school excited to begin college at his first choice in the fall. How and when did this all happen? Weren’t we just circling around singing “ring around the rosie?” What the hell is happening?

The more I see them as adults I try not to yearn for the younger years when they fought over time with me and I felt such importance. Now they are busy as they should be. Growing up is partly about separating, developing oneself and learning and they are quite successful at this. I always say that my niece and nephew are rock stars and I stand by that. They are genuine human beings concerned with those around them and the world around them. They are hardest on themselves and actually over-work themselves in school. I do not think they realize that they are already wonderful in every way and do not need to really work at that.

I am always in amazement as I watch my 7 year old daughter, another hero of mine, grow up and cannot fathom her as a young adult, in fact I try not to even bring my mind to that place. I want her to stay seven, sassy and adorable forever. I obviously have different relationships with my niece and nephew especially since I was young, single and not responsible for anyone but myself when they were born. I consider myself extremely lucky to be a part of their lives. I am proud of my niece’s love for her school and studies, even though I have no understanding when she tells me what she is working on in the lab; and I take such pleasure in my nephew’s love of camp and everything that represents for him as I feel the same way about my own camp experience.

I cannot stop their growing up, just as I can’t stop my daughter from growing and I feel so honored to call them “niece” and “nephew,” such important people in my life. I am proud of each of them and I know I will always be along for the ride with them. My admiration of them will obviously continue and I cannot wait to see what this next chapter in entering adulthood will bring to them. Maybe now each will be clued in to my view of them and that it truly comes naturally. Love and appreciation for two amazing and impressive human beings abound.

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