Tag: anxiety

Hard Day

You know when you have a bad day, you can do your best to shake it off? Well, I had a bad day but it was not like anything I could “shake off.” To go over my weekend, on paper, it looked great. My brother and his boyfriend came to visit on Saturday and to see me at my first Speak Up event (storytelling: theme was “bad romance”). I am used to public speaking and used to do trainings at my last job so I am very comfortable in front of a crowd. I started to get nervous later in the day but I pushed forward and got in front of the microphone and told my story. I am convinced everyone could tell my hands were shaking and I am convinced everyone could tell my mouth became very dry very quickly. One of my medications causes these side effects which become heightened when I am nervous. I think I did okay but I am doubting myself. My husband looked so proud of me, which helped me push away the negative thoughts.

While I had a good morning today, it was still filled with bits of anxiety of unknown origin. It ebbed and flowed to the point where I felt emptiness one minute and anxiety the next. This is a very disturbing feeling and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Anyone who suffers from anxiety can understand that horrible sensation.

So, after a phone call with my shrink, yet another medication adjustment. While I know I am getting somewhere in my treatment, it is slow and I am not someone who does “slow.” I like to solve problems immediately, nip it in the bud. I want what I want and I want it now. It is difficult to have these personality traits when depressed because the trajectory of getting better is not a straight line up. Just as my anxiety ebbed and flowed today, so does the line on the chart that measures the lifting of a depression.

I am holding on and fighting…it was just a hard day.

Tags anxiety, Depression, medications, storytelling, treatment

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A Typical Day in My Current Life

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date April 28, 2014
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A typical day when you are clinically depressed is not the same for someone who is not depressed. Take my day yesterday. It was Sunday. I went to the grocery store bright and early, before the rush. I was happy to have a task to complete. It must have been sad, slow song 80s morning at my local Big Y as that was playing. As I went down aisle after aisle, I had tears in my eyes as the music was not agreeing with my mood. I completed my task though and got through it.

I next went with my husband and daughter to a birthday party. I was able to be social and smiley and yet at the same time, it felt like my body was stopped in time and the world was continuing on all around me. It is the worst feeling and I cannot do it justice in describing it. I was upset when I tried to take pictures with my phone and my hands were shaking too much (from meds) and they kept coming out blurry. I completed that task though of being the party-goer.

Next we took a family trip to Old Navy so I could use my money earned from already spending too much money. My husband wanted pajama pants, so we got that and a few other items. Task completed.

We came home and prepared for my daughter’s friend to come over for a play date. (normally, we are not this popular!). The girls played beautifully and I had good conversations with her friend’s mom. We hung out and time flew by. Task completed.

As we headed to dinner time, my husband looked at me and asked what we would have for dinner. I had nothing left in me at this point. You see, in order to put on a smile and interact with others, I utilize all of my emotional energy I have. It is a level of exhaustion I cannot begin to explain. I told him to order sushi and I did not have to feel the stress of making dinner. (My husband does not cook).

Evenings are both good and bad. When I get home from work or when I end a weekend day, it is time to decompress. I don’t have to “act” so much. My anxiety level decreases one minute but the next it increases as I stress about getting through the next day. Sundays’ are especially difficult (for most people) as I need to ready myself for returning to work. I make it through the evening with a check-in phone call with my psychiatrist. Task completed.

Day completed.

Now off to Monday…may G-d give me strength.

Tags anxiety, Depression, party, play date

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A Depressed Mommy’s Checklist

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date February 26, 2014
2 Comments on A Depressed Mommy’s Checklist

When you are a depressed mommy, there is an added stress in your life. For me, it has been more painful and difficult as I am not just managing myself but my husband and my daughter. I am finding that I need to draw on many emotional and tangible things to help me get through each day.

1. Get out of bed each day and say, “I hope to feel better today.” Even though I have been doing this for weeks now and I honestly do not feel much better, it is an important mantra to begin each day.

2. Make sure to see my daughter as soon as possible. Without pause, her exclaiming each morning, “Mommy!!!!!!!” with a huge smile will always put a smile on my face, even if I am exhausted from being up for hours due to anxiety.

3. Allow my husband to take on the morning activities of dressing and feeding our daughter. This has been our schedule anyway but I do not feel guilty that “mommy” is not the one doing this.

4. Give my daughter a hug and kiss goodbye for the day at preschool and make sure she sees me, really sees me. It is distracting when you are four years old and your little friends are waiting for you but I focus her face on mine so I can tell her I love her and to have a great day.

5. Keep busy at work. Make sure there are meetings to attend, desk work to be done and allow your co-workers to make you laugh. Even though I feel disconnected, I can still do my job and feel good about my work and accomplishments.

6. By 4:00 PM I am aching to see and hug my daughter. I get through the end of my workday and head over to her preschool to get her. The running hug is a daily experience. I love that we are equally happy to see each other at the end of the day and that I am able to continue to experience this feeling.

7. Forgive myself and don’t feel badly when I walk in the house and feel a huge wave of anxiety about the following: washing my daughter’s food containers from the day, washing mine, getting some sort of healthy dinner ready, making her food for the next day, making my food for the next day, unloading the dishwasher, folding the laundry…I just know I can’t do even pieces of all of this right now. My husband has been amazing at preparing our daughter’s food for the next day, folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher and eating whatever it is I can make for dinner.

8. Even though I feel absent and disconnected, spend time with my family. The three of us are a team and our time together in the evenings is special.

9. Take a deep breath after the bedtime routine.

10. Even though I am often quiet right now, I will relax with my husband, watch TV and at least feel loved and not so alone.

I continue to fight this depression and although its claws are in me and fighting back, I will continue to practice the above on a daily basis. This is the best I can do right now. It’s what I have to do for my loving husband and my sparkly daughter.

Tags anxiety, Depression, love

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