Hard Day

You know when you have a bad day, you can do your best to shake it off? Well, I had a bad day but it was not like anything I could “shake off.” To go over my weekend, on paper, it looked great. My brother and his boyfriend came to visit on Saturday and to see me at my first Speak Up event (storytelling: theme was “bad romance”). I am used to public speaking and used to do trainings at my last job so I am very comfortable in front of a crowd. I started to get nervous later in the day but I pushed forward and got in front of the microphone and told my story. I am convinced everyone could tell my hands were shaking and I am convinced everyone could tell my mouth became very dry very quickly. One of my medications causes these side effects which become heightened when I am nervous. I think I did okay but I am doubting myself. My husband looked so proud of me, which helped me push away the negative thoughts.

While I had a good morning today, it was still filled with bits of anxiety of unknown origin. It ebbed and flowed to the point where I felt emptiness one minute and anxiety the next. This is a very disturbing feeling and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Anyone who suffers from anxiety can understand that horrible sensation.

So, after a phone call with my shrink, yet another medication adjustment. While I know I am getting somewhere in my treatment, it is slow and I am not someone who does “slow.” I like to solve problems immediately, nip it in the bud. I want what I want and I want it now. It is difficult to have these personality traits when depressed because the trajectory of getting better is not a straight line up. Just as my anxiety ebbed and flowed today, so does the line on the chart that measures the lifting of a depression.

I am holding on and fighting…it was just a hard day.


What is Love?

I have learned a lot about love during this depression. I have always known my husband, Ken, loves me, but what I have experienced over the past few months is simply love personified. His patience, trust, respect and commitment to “us” is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. While I am in my own personal hell, he is right there by my side. He will spend extra time with our daughter when I need a break, he will bring her to birthday parties so I don’t have to cope with crowds, he cares for our daughter one night a week when I go to my psychiatrist. He is not allowing my depression to get in the way; it is only making him an even better husband and father.
While I have always known that Ken is amazing, it has taken these past (almost) 8 years to truly feel it, experience it and live it. Our relationship is stronger today than it was just a few months ago. While my depression is horrible, it is bringing us together in a poignant, loving and incredible way. I could never have imagined this. While I am doing my work in therapy, our relationship is becoming stronger as a result. It is almost like a therapy two for one (we are saving so much money!!). In the past when I have struggled with depression I was single and it was a very different experience, emotionally. I have been worried about its effect on Ken and our daughter but Ken has taken charge and we are working together in the best possible way. We have not been in such symbiotic harmony before and my worry has lessened as a result.
I have to thank my depression for moving my love forward for Ken. Weird, huh? It feels weird to write it but it is true. If I never got depressed, Ken and I would not be where we are today. Things really do happen for a reason. I am a firm believer in that. I knew that Ken was my b’shert (meant to be) when I met him in Starbucks via Jdate almost 8 years ago, but everything we have been through has brought us to this pivotal point.
I thought I knew what love was especially when I fell in love with Ken, but what I am feeling now is so much more. It is a light and it is a gift. While we have had our struggles, like everyone, I would not change what the past months have been in order to get to this point. I am still depressed, still playing with medications, but I am not alone. I have an amazing man by my side, literally and figuratively.