Tag: TMS
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Progress as a Process
There is a lot going on right now. My depression has finally begun to lift. I completed my Intensive Outpatient Program this week and it felt like the right time even though I am anxious about leaving such a supportive environment. I also went back to work on a very part-time schedule last week, so that is another change. Luckily, I love where I work and who I work with. I had a great time and it felt good to be productive. Additionally, I am at the point of tapering my TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) and will be requesting maintenance treatments from my insurance company. Due to my pattern over the past 3 years, maintenance TMS treatments will be vital to maintaining my health and hopefully stunting the possibility of a reoccurrence of the depression. My pattern over the past few years has been: major depressive episode for several months treated with medication and ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) followed by 6-7 months of being well which was then followed by the depressive cycle again. My current episode is the third within three years. My treaters and I want to break this cycle so I can live a healthier life.
While these are very positive things, it is also scary and overwhelming for me. I have been through a lot over the past several months and I am different. I must recognize that I am in a constant state of change, as most of us are, but with individual therapy, group therapy and just life, I have changed dramatically over the past few years. My ability to tolerate things is quite different and I feel overwhelmed by things that never did so before. I am trying to give myself a break and not be hard on myself in relation to when I feel overwhelmed about folding laundry, running an errand, or even sending an email. This is the hard part for me. I must find a way to give myself a break and allow things to fall into place. I also need to live life and while I know I am getting better I cannot have unrealistic expectations of the depression completely disappearing tomorrow. I need to take it easy on myself when it comes to the timing of my recovery. The next several weeks will be difficult but will also include positive moments which will turn to positive hours which will then turn to positive days, etc. I am open to this trajectory and constantly tell myself that this is a good thing.
Life is hard and life can be messy. My anxiety is sky high these days but I am trying to use my skills when I can. I am also trying to talk more to my husband about my feelings as they are happening. This helps with my connection to him and informs him of exactly what is happening in my head. This is not easy for me but I am trying. My life, right now, is a step forward and then a step back but this is a process and I hope as time goes on things will continue to positively progress.
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Consultation Results
I’m not writing this for advice as this is my decision (and my family’s)…what I do want is to keep everything real. I have been writing about my struggles with depression for several months now and even though this is intense stuff, it is reality…my reality. I have been real in my writing and updating and I don’t want that to change just because things are more acute.
Yesterday was incredibly difficult. I first saw my psychiatrist for a double session and then went right to meet the psychopharmacologist. I was emotionally spent and nervous, but I went. The doctor was very nice and I felt comfortable. He definitely knew what he was talking about and formulated various possibilities after hearing my history and my current state. These are the options:
Most Aggressive: ECT (that’s right, shock therapy). Once you get the “Snake Pit” image out of your head, it is very helpful for people where medications are not. It is also not barbaric as it once was (or what you see on TV/movies) and you are under anesthesia for the treatment.
More Aggressive: MAOI medication. It is helpful but I would need to go off all of my current meds and be off of them for 2 weeks. There is also a special diet I would need to follow if I take these meds.
More Aggressive: TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) This is relatively new and is very different than ECT. There is no anesthesia, you are awake for the 40 minute treatment, it is not harmful and studies show it is very helpful in people who have not had luck with medications. There is no memory loss as there could be with ECT and no anesthesia to deal with.
Conservative: Another class of medication.
Where I stand (along with my husband and my psychiatrist): stop one medication that is not working and then try the “Conservative” medication and at the same time look into TMS. I am at bottom right now and I feel like we need to do something aggressive. I simply cannot continue to live my life like this. It’s not fair to my family and it’s not fair to me. The biggest worry will be insurance coverage for the TMS. Mine is not listed as one that accepts it as a treatment for major depression. I will do my due diligence though to find out. Where is the mental health parity? This just adds another level of stress and if I had diabetes, there would be no problem with treatment coverage.
Depression sucks.
Risa's Reality 