It’s different and yet it’s also the same. My character is more developed this time which is positive. I still feel the fatigue, sadness and irritability that I have in the past. When I do not want to leave the house, however, it frightens me. I never felt it to this extent during past major depressive episodes. When I am laying on the couch with the TV on and I feel exhausted and a range of emotions that are very uncomfortable, it feels easier to stay put. During my past episodes I pushed myself to go to work, go out with friends and use my fake smile to get me through each day. I am not able to do that anymore, which is positive but it comes with its own burden. I feel guilty for being so idle.
This is such a hard place to be in. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. What I am thinking now is that I do not want to be a burden and more importantly I do not want to be known as “the sick one.” I don’t want to have to ask friends (again) for rides to appointments and to take my daughter for a play date for a couple of hours so I can try to relax. And even when I do ask for these things (and they are always granted), I simply want my friends to continue being/doing what they have been doing over the years: talk, gossip, laugh and support me.
As I continue to write this I can see how much I am projecting my own thoughts and fears onto my friends. If the roles were reversed, I would be doing the exact same things for them that they do for me. I see that more clearly now.
The truth is I am sick with a very unforgiving illness. My brain is wired in a way where the circuits are very comfortable re-routing themselves back to its familiar setting of major depression. I am honestly too tired to feel angry about it at this point. The past few years have had tremendous ups and downs yet life continues. I continue. I think that’s all I can do right now.
2 replies on “I Continue”
Thanks so much. I appreciate your thoughts.
I relate to this state of mind so much, Risa, and I'm beyond sorry you're suffering. While I have a different diagnosis (postpartum bipolar) I tried 25+ meds & I had rounds unilateral and bilateral ECT to no avail as far as lifting the chronic depression. (ECT helped bring me out of suicidal ideation, and it saved my life, so I have no regrets!) The only med combo that helped me is lithium and an MAOI called Parnate.The MAOI restrictions are not that bad, and some no's no's on restricted food lists are actually okay to enjoy – I eat lots of chocolate & drink coffee, no problem! 🙂 But I did give up alcohol and aged cheeses, which sucked, but it has been worth the sacrifice because the med alleviated my treatment-resistant bipolar depression. I share this info. with you because MAOI's can be miracles. It took 7 years for a doctor to suggest I try that medication, and my hopes were low because my Dad took an MAOI and it didn't help him. (However, he drank a lot and that probably affected its efficacy!)I hope that you feel much, much better soon!!!!!!!!!warmly,Dyane