It was dry heaving as the morphine took hold. It was seeing this wet, screaming, angry face. It was sobbing while trying to have you latch on. It was listening to your screaming as I tried to soothe you. It was staying with you in the hospital at 5 months old and worrying that I had damaged you in some way. It was being with you in a treatment room at midnight while the doctor inserted a feeding tube through your nose. It was struggling to teach you to drink formula at the same time as teaching you to drink from a bottle. It was hearing you throw up through the baby monitor and then thinking through how to manage the clean up of you and your crib. It was being with you in the hospital at 8 months old and worrying about your weight. It was worrying about you reaching your developmental milestones. It was worrying about strengthening your legs to be able to walk and it was worrying about your feeding therapy. It was laying with you when you had a 102 degree fever. It was holding you tight while you kicked and screamed when you got your flu shot. It was holding you and reassuring you when you got your ears pierced. It was talking with you while you cried about an incident at school.
These are the times that truly made me and make me a mother. The love and care came at that first second when I took that pregnancy test and saw two lines. The full heart, warmth, joy and excitement are the easy parts of being your mother. It is the hard times, the times that test my very being, will and strength that really make me your mother. You make me feel humbled, proud and speechless. You are my child and I am your mother.