Yesterday I had several hours where I was more alert, involved and could formulate and explain my thoughts. My therapist told me I seemed a bit more together. By the early evening though I began to feel irritable and sad. I knew those hours when I felt clearer were a good sign and my doctors confirmed that this morning before they began my infusion.
I was nervous before they started and once it began that heaviness came over me and I felt as if I were watching everything from outside of myself. I began to cry as I looked at the clock and saw it was the time when I would wait with my daughter for the school bus. I did not see her this morning as I had to be at the hospital very early. I cried more when I thought of her and missed her so much. I focused on her face and what it feels like when I kiss her cheeks, her soft, perfect skin. I focused on her smile. I cried harder. The nurse asked if I was okay and I told her I was but I was aware that I felt scared and not okay. The doctor reassured me.
I then thought of how I am such a burden on my husband, daughter, family and friends. I felt trapped in the bed in the room as if this is my life now and my existence consists of being outside of myself. I cried more.
I looked around and all I wanted was comfort and while the doctors and nurses provided it to me, it wasn’t enough. I wanted and needed more. I could not feel it. I started to imagine my therapist coming toward me and reassuring me. It felt slightly real although I was not hallucinating. I think I was trying to feel a connection to someone or something. I then cried more, feeling so unsatisfied.
The infusion ended and I was glad as I regained myself. It really is such an odd experience and while it is not terrible, it is certainly not enjoyable. Some do enjoy it, some sob throughout, it depends on the person. I do think it is beginning to help me though and that is all that really matters. I have a life, a beautiful life that I want to live in from inside of myself, not outside looking in.