Depression as a Tormentor

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Ken, Iliana and I just returned from vacation in Pittsburgh where we visited my brother and sister-in-law and were also able to see my other sister-in-law and nephews who live in Ohio. Ken and I had 2 1/2 days to ourselves, staying at a hotel, while Iliana attended 3 days at “Camp Auntie Jenny,” which consisted of fun-filled days of an amusement park, science museum, walks, parks, the zoo and bowling. My sister-in-law has done this camp for all of her nieces and nephews the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade and it is amazing. Iliana had a chance to not only have a lot of fun, but she also got to have special time with my sister-in-law and brother. Ken and I had some very needed time together. We had not had a vacation since our honeymoon, almost 10 1/2 years ago. We needed it to relax, not worry about Iliana and simply enjoy ourselves doing touristy things around Pittsburgh. If “Camp Auntie Jenny” did not happen, we never would have taken the week off. Financially, there is a reason we have not been able to go away, more so in the past 5 years. It was wonderful for us, individually, and as a family.

Leaving Connecticut and going to Pennsylvania did not mean my depression and anxiety would remain in Connecticut and I knew that. There were lengths of time each day where I enjoyed myself and felt “in the moment” and “involved.” Then there were times when I felt very anxious, sad and a little lost. My therapist and I had scheduled 2 phone sessions but I canceled the second one as the first one only stirred things up and I was not able to meet with her, in person, to work it through. Phone sessions are not at all the same as a live session. She agreed to canceling the second session. It was difficult not to see her as I see her 3 times a week.

It is simply hard to be away from home when you are not feeling very well. It was good to get away and not live by a schedule but the week away did not take away my symptoms as well as my fight against them. It really is exhausting. I am thankful to not be considered having a “severe” depressive episode right now, as I have had 4 times over the past 4 1/2 years but illness is illness and calling this episode “moderate” does not take away its arduousness. 

Many people have difficulty understanding how depression and anxiety are internal issues. When someone says, “it’s all in your head,” s/he is completely accurate. It is a miserable experience and is more painful than my broken arm, abdominal surgery and C-section put together. The thoughts are never-ending, the “as needed” medication is taken more and it is exhausting. My depression’s voice is my tormentor.

For me, part of my experience of depression is having to listen to an inner voice (and this is not in a psychotic sense, but quite neurotic) that is mean, nasty and completely uncaring. I hate myself at times because I believe this voice; every little daily annoying thing that happens to us all is magnified by 1,000. I dropped a clipboard at work today which holds papers that track the day and week and, obviously, this is truly not a big deal, but my immediate response out loud was, “fuck…of course.” In my head it did not end there: “How stupid are you? Come on! You do such stupid things.” My response to small annoying things, which should be laughter or a sigh, is almost always negative against myself right now. This voice inside of me, my depression, is truly my tormentor. This inner negativity is a very big part of my depression and anxiety. My therapist is constantly reality-checking with me and working with me to stretch my thoughts to try to include even a small understanding of the reality of these situations and that I do not need to take it out on myself. It is laborious for both of us.

Unfortunately, when one is ill with depression, you do not get a vacation from the illness. It’s there, stronger at times than others, but is always lurking in the background, like the tormentor it is.

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