This is what it feels like for me right now. Since four days ago, I have had this feeling as if I just woke up from a long sleep. It is a good feeling, a very good feeling. I feel alive again, awake and part of the world. I have had many “a-ha” moments about the depths of my depression as part of this awakening and although it is sad, I am able to integrate it in my head in a healthy way. Now, nothing is perfect, and I have had moments of irritability and moments of anxiety in the past few days. The difference now is that I am able to think things through and take the time to account for my thoughts.
I will continue to follow through with my treatment: medication, therapy and ECT and I am thankful for all of them. I can now see how they are working together to carry me out of this depression and it is amazing. I feel as if I am slowly getting my life back: my husband, my sparkly daughter, my family and my friends. Everything feels different and clear. The time I have spent with my daughter over the past few days have been magical. I have experienced the feeling of “being with” when we have been together and I have missed that for the past months. It is the same with my husband and I feel like I won a prize to be able to experience this again after so much time.
While this is all very positive, I still have a lot of work to do. My focus is on myself now which is a new phenomenon and I understand the importance of this as I am pulled out of this depression. I also need to work with my doctors and allow them to continue to help me: I simply cannot do this alone and I can absolutely recognize that now.
There really is light at the end of the tunnel and I can finally see it. What an amazing image to wake up to.
Risa's Reality 