Tag: Depression

There’s Bird Shit on my Car and My Husband Just Ate a Fly

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date June 28, 2014
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This is my weekend. There is bird shit on my car that I keep hoping will disappear on its own and while taking a family walk this morning, a bug of some sort flew into my husband’s mouth and he ate it.

This is our typical weekend.

It may sound strange but this is our life. While I pop my pills for my depression and anxiety, we try to lead as normal a life as possible. This is not always easy for any of us but we give it the good old college try. As I struggle with my issues, life does go on, not just for me but for my husband and our four-year-old daughter. We try to keep things simple, yet fun. We had a lovely play date over lunch with wonderful friends and things could not have been more normal. The kids were bouncing off of the walls, literally, and the adults were only slightly paying attention. It kept my mind busy and I could enjoy being with others. It was a win-win-win for our family as each of us enjoyed it.

This was especially nice since I just started another new medication last night (when will I have the right cocktail already???) and I was feeling a bit odd this morning as a result. I am still hopeful that this medication will add the right mix to my other meds to finally yank me out of this depression. So, after a phone call to check in with my shrink, I went out to get an oil change for my car. Now, you can’t get more normal than that, right? I was happy not to have to wait and was in and out quickly. But then what? What was the next structured plan for the day?

We did not have one. This is when I become a little jumpy: can’t sit still, need to do something to keep busy. I am very lucky that my daughter can ground me at these times when I feel I don’t have control. Her asking to play a game on my phone was calming to me. Strange, I know!

As we make our dinner plans, (take-out, of course! We have no food at this point in the week, nor do we have any napkins, so paper towels it is!) my intention is to enjoy the evening. It will be “ordinary” as there will be no bird shit to think of or flies going into anyone’s mouth, but it will be “our” night. I am with the two people whom I love the most.

Tags anxiety, Depression, ordinary, pills, shrink

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Onward to the Consultation

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date June 26, 2014
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It’s never a good sign when your psychiatrist/analyst says it’s time for a psychopharmacological consult. This wasn’t news to me and it had been brought up before, but now I really need it. We have tried several different cocktails and while some symptoms have decreased, some have not. So, I have to call this doctor who my doctor highly recommends and see him for a consultation in order to figure out my meds.

This scares me.

I don’t like having to meet new people in the psych world and tell my story, yet again. I am scared he will judge me (no basis for this, just where my mind is at right now). All I know is, I want this depression gone. Goodbye. Won’t be sad to see you go. I have been fighting this, essentially, since January but it probably started slowly in the months leading up.

I have the therapy piece down, no problem. My psychiatrist and I work very well together and she knows me, really knows me. It’s this pesky medication piece that is the problem. You see, I am tired…tired of needing to shut my office door so I can cry for 15 minutes. I am tired of going to my car to sit and cry for 10 minutes. I am tired of feeling such pain…words cannot describe the depth of the pain and this pain is not physical in any way. I am tired of allowing any slight or mistake someone makes in relation to me become a big deal where I then feel hurt and neglected.

This illness is tiring on its own but add a family to think about, worry about and the level of patience in having this illness goes out the door. I constantly worry about my daughter…my beautiful, sparkly girl, who is my heart and soul. To what extent is my depression impressing upon her? Luckily, I am able to put on a brave face and love her with my very being: through words, hugs, kisses, talks and more love.

So far, the only positive that has occurred in these past months is my strengthened relationship and bond with my husband. I never would have guessed that working through this depression would have such an amazing benefit. We have an amazing relationship and we are in sync in every possible way. I have never felt such love from another human being and my love for him is just growing and growing (I did not even know that was possible…I loved him already!).

I will have my consult in Boston and hope for a good plan, a plan that will finally give me some relief. I don’t talk in detail to my friends or family about my struggles, but I will tell you this: depression is a horrible illness where your inner core is twisted and twisted again. Your heart hurts, your brain hurts and your soul hurts.

I think I am ready for this next step. Onward to the consultation.

Tags analyst, daughter, Depression, husband, psychiatrist, psychopharmacology

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Sometimes it Feels Good to take a Risk

Post author By Risa's Reality
Post date May 23, 2014
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Every day we take risks…that is what life is all about. I think we should take more risks, though. For example, this past weekend I participated in a storytelling event called Speak Up in Hartford. I sent a pitch of a story (theme was “bad romance”) and it was accepted. I then wrote up a script and got in front of about 100 people and told my story (only 6 minutes).

This was a risk, but at the same time, it wasn’t. I enjoy speaking in front of groups and am comfortable doing so. The issue was that I am still suffering from depression and that made me anxious about speaking in front of a group. What if they noticed my shaking hands (from medication)? What if they noticed that my mouth was very dry (from medication)? Even though I beat up on myself the next day, thinking I did not do well, I am now able to feel good about it. I took a risk at a not so great time in my life and I got through it.

Sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zones and stir things up. This was especially important for me since I have felt rather static these past few months. This gave me focus and responsibility. I knew it was worth it when I looked at my husband as I finished and he gave me a huge grin…he was proud of me. I thought my heart would explode, as I felt it emanating from him. This risk was worth it as my self-esteem was raised as a result and my love for my husband grew even more.

Why don’t women take more risks? I do mean “safe” risks, not daredevil kind of risks. I think we get so stuck in our own heads, it is difficult to stray, especially as we get older. If you have children, then that takes away so much of our “free” time, when could we do something “out of the box?”

We need to take time out for ourselves, do something to surprise people, but mostly to surprise ourselves. I felt free after I told my story the other night and it was a good feeling. I did something that was a bit outside of my realm and I lived through it. The best part of taking a risk is the great feeling you get for putting yourself “out there.” I think this is imperative in terms of personal growth. It also reminds me not to waste time on the small things. I don’t want to expend time on the minutiae of life that, in the end, really does not matter.

So, get out there and do something exciting or fun or just meaningful to you. One option that is very hot right now is a boudoir photo shoot. This is one idea to really put yourself out there and be in the moment. Do something that makes you happy and challenges you, in mind and body. And, yes, I may know about the boudoir photo shoot from experience.

Tags anxiety, Depression, medication, risks, storytelling, women

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