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Forward Thinking

It’s been a while since I wrote and there has been a lot going on. We had a big family event last week which was wonderful and it was great to see my daughter have so much fun with her family. I am getting ready for our last FET in less than 2 weeks and I am nervous. I hate what the hormones do to me and they make me feel simply horrible. That lasts for several weeks and I just want it all to be worth it. I feel more positive about it all right now, whether we get pregnant or not. I will still need time to mourn if it does not work again, but I know I will make it through. Of course that is easy to feel now when I am not on any hormones, but it is good to know that I can try to hang on to these more positive feelings. 
Right now I am trying to focus on the things I can control in my life, which are not many with a 3 year old! I am trying to put positive energy into my work and trying to make fun plans. When you are going through fertility treatment, nothing is under your control and it is important for me to take some control before I start the process again.
I will continue to look forward, move forward and think positively of my future, whatever that may be.

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Patience is not a Virtue…It is Impossible!

So, here we are a couple of weeks after our third failed FET and I am in a funk. I am angry, moody, sad and irritable. Sounds like fun, huh?? The hormone torture does not end when we stop taking the meds, the body needs weeks to recover and I am in that phase now. It simply sucks to be me right now.
I am still waiting for my blood test results from last week and may wait another couple of days. I am trying to focus on next month’s SHG, as that is something active I can do and feel a part of this crazy process. That’s the thing, when I am taking meds and doing tests, I feel empowered that I am an active participant in the process; when I am just waiting, well, that is the difficult part.
So, I will continue to wait, take some ativan when I need it and get through this phase of the process. I am exercising again and eating better than I have been and I know that will help, as well.
Maybe this last fight is over, but the battle continues and I am not done yet.

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The Waiting Game

Well, I saw my fertility doc today and I am so thankful for him. I have seen him for the past 7 years and began with him due to uterine fibroids. He performed my first “big” surgery to remove the fibroids and I will never forget him holding my hand as they were putting me out.
I was calmed as I walked into his office today, as I usually am. We talked about this last FET (frozen embryo transfer) and my weird reaction to the progesterone injections (severe pains, difficulty walking, weird red splotches on my leg). He said we may never know why these last 3 FETs did not take. What we did today was some blood tests: thyroid (I am hypothyroid and on meds), blood sugar (past insulin resistance). We discussed the protocol for my next FET which will be estrogen and crinone. I will also have another sonohysterogram next month to make sure everything still looks good (I had one in October 2012 but my doc wants to be sure nothing has popped up since then).

This is a good plan…it’s the only plan. I don’t mind the tests as they give me something to focus on, something to do. It will help me get through until the next try. Even though I would love to know why this has not worked, I will have to settle for this. This is the hard part as I am someone who likes clear answers that are logical. I just have to “sit” with this for now.