My therapist is on vacation and my OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is out of control. It’s been one week and I am now in week two. I see her again a week from today. It has been difficult. Parts of each day are difficult but time is moving, just not as fast as I would like. I see my therapist 4 times a week with an additional 15 minute phone check-in on Sunday mornings. It is intense work. This work, though, as well as seeing her, is part of my routine, part of my weekly schedule. Right now, that is completely thrown off. As a result, my anxiety is increased and is manifesting itself in my OCD as well as my irritability.
I am micromanaging my every move, from getting out of bed to the order of my morning: will I take my walk first or do my physical therapy exercises (hurt back in April) before eating breakfast? If I do my physical therapy and then eat, I will be ready to walk, whereas if I walk, eat and then do my physical therapy, I will be very uncomfortable as 90% of the exercises and stretches are lying down. But, which makes sense in the moment? Which will make me feel comfortable? Which will determine if I have a good or bad day? And on and on and on…
I plan out the order of my morning the night before over a course of 5-60 minutes of constant thought, as if this is the most important decision of my life, but that is how it feels to me. If I do it in the “wrong” order, what will happen? Something bad will happen. That is my thought process. And then, if I am working the next day, how does that timing factor in? It becomes even more complicated in my brain and requires even more of my time to “perfect” it to my liking, yet whatever I do, in whatever order, is never to my liking. This isn’t happening just since my therapist went on vacation, this is how it is whenever my OCD increases to this level.
I plan meals for the week, which, actually, a lot of people do, but this can take hours over the course of a weekend. If I cook on Monday, a day off from work, then we’ll have dinner for Monday and Tuesday, as I always cook enough for the next night, as well. That means I will need to cook again on Wednesday which will cover Thursday, but that leaves Friday, a day that I work. On Fridays I am tired as I get up at 5am to see my therapist at 7:15am, before working for 4 hours on my feet, but want to make a nice Shabbat (Sabbath) dinner for my family. Then the guilt rises, which is beyond wild now anyway and I think I can’t do anything right. And on and on and on…
I can’t stop moving. I get up, do my walking, PT, breakfast in whatever order that ends up often disappointing me as I believe it’s the wrong order, because when you have OCD, all you want is relief and while there are those who suffer with it who complete a task and feel relief, I rarely feel that. My obsession leads to the compulsive behavior which should lead to some relief, but not for me. I end up feeling guilty and angry with myself.
I made homemade frosting yesterday and it was too sweet but I kept in in the fridge overnight to see how it would be today. It was a good consistency but still very sweet. I had to make another batch today. I HAD to. It did come out better, but it was as if making frosting to have with cupcakes I made the other day was the most important thing in the world. While doing this, I was also making dinner in the early afternoon. This is a rare occurrence but I wanted a healthy and good dinner tonight but I had to take my daughter to her guitar lesson which ends at 5:30pm. Constant thinking, constant analyzing, constant motion.
My husband is fully aware that things are stirred up right now and he gives me his total support and understands that it doesn’t matter if he tells me to “relax” or “not to worry about dinner,” as my mind is quite powerful right now and reasoning is not a skill that is easily practiced. I know it pains him to see me this way. I am in pain. I want to control it. I want to feel more mastery over my OCD and I know there are times when I can. Things are simply too stirred up with my therapist away. It’s sad, unfortunate, frustrating and maddening for me. Having OCD and skin picking disorder (yes, it’s a real diagnosis) is a tough combination as they can easily go together. I have more band aids with bacitracin under them right now. My anxiety is just too high and mixed in with the OCD creates a very difficult state of being for me at this time.
Mental illness is hard. Just when you feel you are managing well enough, something else happens that throws you. Unfortunately, that is life. So, my therapist is on vacation for one more week and whatever that looks like for me, I will go on and on and on…
Risa's Reality 