Week Two

Week two has begun. I will have ECT three times again this week. My blood pressure was quite high this morning and the nurse repeatedly told me to take deep breaths. It doesn’t seem to matter that I have done this many times before, I still feel very anxious right before each treatment. I am lucky. I have a whole team of family and friends on my side. My dear friend who drove me down to New Haven today is like a gift. She made me laugh and she ensured that I felt supported. I feel so lucky and yet at the same time I feel sad, irritable and angry. So many emotions felt all at the same time. I wish I felt better than I do at this time.  I pray there is a dramatic difference by Friday’s treatment. I pray my daughter will feel my presence more than she has in the past weeks.

Depression is truly a horrifying disease. This course is quite different than what I suffered last year. I have been tired, more tired than I have ever felt which I did not feel last summer. I feel more sad, if that is even possible. It’s hard to look to others for reassurance and support when feeling this low. My therapist told me she would “hold the hope until I am able.” This came after I told her “this is a terrible existence.” Just as I am lucky to have my family and friends, I am blessed to have an amazing therapist. I count on her just as I count on my family and friends for support. While it is a different relationship, in a sense, one that I pay for, she is my doctor, and she takes care of me.

I pray I get through week two with the integrity I held on to during week one.

2 replies on “Week Two”

I speak from the heart. Desperate, deteriorating on toxic psych drugs in every combination, uninformed about ECT, I \”trusted\” my doctor. First 10, survived, some memory loss. Some \”blunting\” and euphoria, stupidly called \”better\” by the shock docs and nurses who seem to be that oblivious about what they are really observing. They WANT to think this \”helps\”. Return to same state as brain injury wears off. Called \”relapse\”. More drugs. Sicker. Sound familiar? Agree to 11 more, each more brain damage. Now? Years of my kids lives gone, inability to think, read, form new memories. Closed head injury concussions and grand mal seizures are harmful; that is something real doctors understand.Please protect your brain.


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