I did not sleep well last night after working a full day and thinking about my baby starting 2nd grade today, so I must begin with that. My recovery from my latest depressive episode has been what is classified as “normal.” A few good days and then a bad one. A few good hours and then a few bad ones. Today has been what I would characterize as bad. I was exhausted when I woke up but was so enthusiastic to share in my daughter’s excitement to go to school.
From there I had to bring her medications to school and when I walked in the office I completely forgot the nurse’s name even though I have known her for a couple of years and have been in touch with her quite often during the years. I could not believe it. I remembered it once I left. As I got to my car, I dropped my phone, which happens often, only this time the front was completely cracked. Fantastic.
I stopped at the supermarket for a few things and saw someone I know but, again, I could not remember her name so I pretended I didn’t see her and kept walking.
From there I went home and took a walk thinking the fresh air would help. I heard my name from someone walking toward me and she hugged me and we said hello. I had no idea who she was and after a minute of talking and figuring out who she was, I could not remember her name. In fact, it took 10 minutes more for me to think of her name. I felt terrible.
I had time and decided to get a manicure since I had money from a discount to use. That went well. Then I came home and read an email from the school nurse that the doctor’s orders were not with my daughter’s medications. I did not notice as I thought my hubby had put them in. I then faxed them over to her. After that I went to yoga. I was able to focus on myself with the intention of being nice to myself. That was a very good hour. I then went to the Verizon store to deal with my phone. $149 later and I will receive my new phone tomorrow. Got home and took in the mail. I opened a plastic package with a scissors and hit part of my nail and therefore ruined the manicure on that finger. I started to cry and yelled out loud how this day sucks. I wasn’t planning on leaving the house again for the day but I went back to the nail place and they fixed the nail.
I am home now and I am not going anywhere. I am DONE. What is the point of me sharing my bad day? Everyone has bad days where it is as if everything that could go wrong does go wrong. There are feelings of frustration and exhaustion. This is a lot harder for me to tolerate right now. I am exhausted after yesterday and last night so that added to my difficulties today. The 6 Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) treatments I had in July have brought on those cognitive side effects that can take months to decrease in severity. I have trouble finding words at times and my memory is impaired (cue the difficulty with names today). These frustrate me to no end. The other “little” things like breaking my phone, having to take time to fax medical forms and ruining my manicure are just those dumb annoying things that happen. Think about how annoyed you would be if those “little” things happened to you…now multiply that by about 1000 – that is how I experienced those “little” things today.
I have said this before and I will say it again: recovery from a major depressive episode is not a straight line and it can take months. There is no question that I am feeling better and functioning better but there are days like today that remind me to take it easy on myself. It also reminds me that I should not be filling my days off from work with too many errands. I need to rest and relax. I am able to do that now without feeling complete anxiety and I must do this more. This is not up for discussion. If I do not do this, I am simply not helping my recovery and that will not benefit me or my family.
So, it was a crappy day and even though a lot of tears were shed, I made it through. I can’t wait for my daughter to come home from her first day of school and to hear every detail. I also can’t wait for my husband to come home so the three of us can have picnic dinner while watching the Food Channel (my daughter’s latest obsession!).
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I vow to take care of myself a bit more than I did today. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I will take it on with more self-care and more patience.