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I had a few days where I felt clearer, more with it and actually part of life. It felt good. I wasn’t “cured” as my mood was not greatly improved but it was certainly a difference. By Saturday late in the day, however, I started to feel more out of it and the past couple of days, while I have felt more in touch with my surroundings, I have felt more sad and irritable. I went in early this morning for my treatment and reported all of my updates. I was not necessarily looking forward to today’s infusion but the prospect of feeling some relief was my motivation.

Again, as the heaviness hit me, the tears flowed. I became frightened as I felt so alone. While the ketamine enters my brain, it forces me more into the bubble I already feel stuck in. I see everyone around me, hear voices and sounds and can make sense of them, but I feel cut off and as if they cannot see me. I asked the nurse for tissues and she asked if I was ok. I responded asking her, “am I okay?” She touched my arm and said, “you are okay. I am here with you.” While that made me cry more, it was the most comforting thing to hear in that moment.

I then started thinking of my beautiful daughter and was focused on her face. I missed her. I also thought of my husband and how much I wished he were sitting with me holding my hand, reassuring me. I thought of the conversation I had last night with my therapist who told me that she and my other doctors are there for me, in it with me. I cried more. I focused on the fact that I would see her tomorrow. I reverted back to thinking of seeing my husband once my treatment was over. I cried more.

The infusion ended and I was relieved. I drank water and ate some graham crackers and watched my blood pressure decrease (the ketamine increases it). I was a bit wobbly as I walked to the waiting area to my husband but was so glad to see him.

I go back for infusion #5 on Thursday and then we will meet with the doctor to discuss long term plans. This will involve medication changes as there are actually some meds I have not yet tried! For now, it is one day at a time.

As my friend drove, I tried to be with her in the car in conversation. It was difficult. I felt very anxious about my treatment. I walked into the treatment room upon arrival as they were ready for me. I sat on the bed and shivered as I took off my shoes. The room was freezing! I jokingly complained and the nurse agreed with me. I was asked some questions by the doctor and then completed a self-report about my mood. The IV was inserted and the infusion began. The lights were dimmed and after a few minutes I started to feel that sense of slowness.

It was quiet and aside from the nurses checking on me, I was left alone. While I was fine with that, after a little while, I began to cry. I had so many thoughts in my head which were heightened. The nurse brought me tissues and kept checking on me. There was a point when I had an itch on my head and the process of taking my arm from under the blanket and moving it up in order to scratch felt so slow and odd. I almost asked the nurse if I was okay as if I could not gauge myself. It was a little scary.

The infusion finished and within a few minutes I started to feel a bit clearer. I spoke with the doctor who assured me that crying during the treatment is no indication of whether the infusions will help or not. He said there are some patients who sob during the infusions but a few hours later feel good. That allayed my fears.

It’s been several hours since I completed the infusion and I feel tired and sad. I am hopeful and ready to feel sparks of feeling better.