Risa's Reality

I’m a bitch…at least, for now. My depression has made me very irritable and I snap quickly at the two people who mean the most to me, my husband and daughter. I hate it. I watch it as it happens and I simply can’t stand myself. This week is a slow week as I only have one ECT on Friday. That is good, but we are still trying to figure out the meds. I am feeling slight improvement, but I mean slight. I continue to feel tired, sad and lonely. When someone describes depression and mentions feeling lonely, it is a loneliness that is unimaginable. It is a feeling you would not wish on your worse enemy. It is just horrific.

The similarities to last year’s depression include feeling guilty, for putting my family through this again, emotionally and financially. It is such a horrible feeling and is not helped by my irritability. I have said this many times, but I will repeat myself…depression is a terrible illness. I’m full of many feelings right now: mostly negative but I hold a small piece of hope that the positive will outnumber those negative thoughts soon.  They have to.

Week two has begun. I will have ECT three times again this week. My blood pressure was quite high this morning and the nurse repeatedly told me to take deep breaths. It doesn’t seem to matter that I have done this many times before, I still feel very anxious right before each treatment. I am lucky. I have a whole team of family and friends on my side. My dear friend who drove me down to New Haven today is like a gift. She made me laugh and she ensured that I felt supported. I feel so lucky and yet at the same time I feel sad, irritable and angry. So many emotions felt all at the same time. I wish I felt better than I do at this time.  I pray there is a dramatic difference by Friday’s treatment. I pray my daughter will feel my presence more than she has in the past weeks.

Depression is truly a horrifying disease. This course is quite different than what I suffered last year. I have been tired, more tired than I have ever felt which I did not feel last summer. I feel more sad, if that is even possible. It’s hard to look to others for reassurance and support when feeling this low. My therapist told me she would “hold the hope until I am able.” This came after I told her “this is a terrible existence.” Just as I am lucky to have my family and friends, I am blessed to have an amazing therapist. I count on her just as I count on my family and friends for support. While it is a different relationship, in a sense, one that I pay for, she is my doctor, and she takes care of me.

I pray I get through week two with the integrity I held on to during week one.