Tag: Depression

I’m a bitch…at least, for now. My depression has made me very irritable and I snap quickly at the two people who mean the most to me, my husband and daughter. I hate it. I watch it as it happens and I simply can’t stand myself. This week is a slow week as I only have one ECT on Friday. That is good, but we are still trying to figure out the meds. I am feeling slight improvement, but I mean slight. I continue to feel tired, sad and lonely. When someone describes depression and mentions feeling lonely, it is a loneliness that is unimaginable. It is a feeling you would not wish on your worse enemy. It is just horrific.

The similarities to last year’s depression include feeling guilty, for putting my family through this again, emotionally and financially. It is such a horrible feeling and is not helped by my irritability. I have said this many times, but I will repeat myself…depression is a terrible illness. I’m full of many feelings right now: mostly negative but I hold a small piece of hope that the positive will outnumber those negative thoughts soon.  They have to.

Week two has begun. I will have ECT three times again this week. My blood pressure was quite high this morning and the nurse repeatedly told me to take deep breaths. It doesn’t seem to matter that I have done this many times before, I still feel very anxious right before each treatment. I am lucky. I have a whole team of family and friends on my side. My dear friend who drove me down to New Haven today is like a gift. She made me laugh and she ensured that I felt supported. I feel so lucky and yet at the same time I feel sad, irritable and angry. So many emotions felt all at the same time. I wish I felt better than I do at this time.  I pray there is a dramatic difference by Friday’s treatment. I pray my daughter will feel my presence more than she has in the past weeks.

Depression is truly a horrifying disease. This course is quite different than what I suffered last year. I have been tired, more tired than I have ever felt which I did not feel last summer. I feel more sad, if that is even possible. It’s hard to look to others for reassurance and support when feeling this low. My therapist told me she would “hold the hope until I am able.” This came after I told her “this is a terrible existence.” Just as I am lucky to have my family and friends, I am blessed to have an amazing therapist. I count on her just as I count on my family and friends for support. While it is a different relationship, in a sense, one that I pay for, she is my doctor, and she takes care of me.

I pray I get through week two with the integrity I held on to during week one.

I have severe depression…again. It crept back in slowly and then it struck me down so fiercely and so abruptly, I can barely catch my breath. More medication trials that do not seem to be working and now I am scheduled for ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) this Monday morning. I tried to get better without it, but nothing is working and my therapist told me “this is no way to live.” I have to believe her as I trust her implicitly. You see, my thought process is not very clear so I am stuck in my own misery and believe I deserve this. There is a very small piece of me that wonders if this is true and this is what I have to hold on to.

Depression is something I find difficult to define for myself. It is a pain I can’t thoroughly describe as it feels as if my internal self is being stabbed and maimed over and over again. It is a sadness that overtakes me at any moment. It is a pain that brings endless tears. It’s a feeling of utter loneliness even when I am sitting next to my husband, my love. This loneliness is carried throughout every waking moment. It’s a feeling that no one cares and no one should and at the same time all I want is to be with those I love: my family, my friends. I want my therapist to continue to offer reality testing even when I am having trouble believing her when she tells me that I do not deserve to suffer and she does care about me.

This is a pain I was hoping never to experience again after last year. This hurt and throbbing actually feels worse than last year, if that is even possible.

So, please do not retreat, even when I do. Check in. And please, send your prayers for healing. Even though I have done ECT before, I am truthfully terrified for Monday and would appreciate your support. Please, just be there for me and my family. Thank you and love to you all.